There are a lot of ways to express that you support LGBTQIA+ people. One type of phrase, however, seems to be particularly popular:

“Be who you are.” “Be yourself.” “Be who you wanna be.” “Just be you.”

Phrases like these are everywhere. Social media timelines and comment sections are full of them. Celebrities repeat them at nauseam. There’s even a building in my city that has it plastered across the front in big bold letters. “JUST BE YOU!” And now that it’s pride season, of course companies, political parties and governmental institutions are drowning us in them.

Despite my cynicism, I know that most individual people that say it mean well. And of course when it’s genuine, I appreciate the sentiment. But to be honest? I am so sick of hearing it. In my eyes, “just be you” isn’t only pretty hollow, but I also think it fundamentally misses the point. The problem isn’t that LGBTQIA+ people aren’t “just being themselves”. The problem is that the rest of society doesn’t allow us to.

There are reasons why many LGBTQIA+ people can’t be themselves. There is still a lot of hatred, discrimination and violence. For transgender people, non-binary people, other non-cis people and gender nonconforming people especially, this has rapidly been getting worse as of late. If, as a supportive person, you want to help them, then we need to tackle those issues. We need to address them, acknowledge them, speak up about them and confront people who contribute to them (be it in big or small ways, on purpose or not). But phrases like “just be you” achieve the exact opposite.

After “just be you”, there is almost never a single word said about the reasons why many people can’t do that. The actual problem almost always remains undiscussed. That’s in part because the phrase itself shifts all focus and responsibility to LGBTQIA+ people themselves. “You need to just be yourself.” As if the aggression and aversion towards anything even remotely LGBTQIA+ that runs widespread throughout society isn’t even a factor.

And when the problems remain undiscussed, other people and their roles in those problems remain undiscussed too. Despite these things being important to discuss in order to solve these problems. Of course there’s a lot of hatred in society, but that hatred is widely tolerated and accepted too. When it comes to LGBTQIA+ topics there isn’t only a lot of hostility, but also a lot of indifference, ignorance, denial, and a huge lack of knowledge and awareness. In order to effectively discuss anti-LGBTQIA+ sentiments, this all needs to be acknowledged and discussed. But “just be you” keeps everyone except for LGBTQIA+ people themselves out of the conversation. “You need to just be yourself.”

The harsh reality is still that when LGBTQIA+ people try to “just be themselves”, or even when we try to figure out who “myself” is, we seriously risk facing verbal abuse, intense harassment, social isolation, disownment, widespread discrimination, governmental suppression, physical violence, death threats and worse. These problems are serious, widespread, and many are rapidly getting worse across the board as we speak. Just look at the increase in anti-LGBTQIA+ violence and the massive hate campaign that’s being orchestrated against trans people right now.

This is why so many LGBTQIA+ people can’t “just be themselves”: very often it’s simply not safe for them to do so. To then see posts from gleeful people about how we should “just be ourselves” feels, to be blunt, almost insulting.

“Just be yourself” is almost always the beginning and the end of the conversation. I’d love to “just” be myself. All LGBTQIA+ people want to “just” be themselves. But it’s just not that simple, and that little sentence does very little to help change that. It’s such a generic phrase that’s tossed around so much that it’s lost all of its meaning. I don’t think that it will cause anyone who reads it to actually think anymore.

So please, stop telling us to “just be us”. Or at least: don’t leave it at that. Instead, start looking at the reasons why we can’t just be us. Talk about specific issues. Speak out about our rights. Speak out against hatred, disinformation and repressive legislature. Help amplify LGBTQIA+ voices. Stand with groups that are under especially harsh attack right now, like trans, non-binary and other non-cis people. Stand with intersectional marginalised groups, like LGBTQIA+ BIPOC people, people with a migration background, disabled people and refugees.

Or, if you want to more directly express support to an LGBTQIA+ person, why not try to write a more personal message? Celebrate positive life changes with them. Tell people that you’re proud of them and the steps they take. Give them a compliment. Or if they’re struggling, don’t pretend like their problems don’t exist, but acknowledge them and tell them that you will always support them and have their back, for example. See how much more heartfelt that sounds than a generic “just be you”?

And if you don’t know a lot about LGBTQIA+ topics and issues, then take the time to educate yourself on them. Once you have, use that knowledge to help educate others. If you want to help make a difference, there is nothing better you can do than educate yourself.

If you genuinely want us to be able to “just be us”, then don’t just tell us to do that. Instead, help us work towards a world where we can actually safely do so.